This is more for me then you. I am feeling selfish. My kids have been handed some disappointments this past week that are just not fair. I want to fix these disappointments and in a world of participation trophies I know that disappointment is a part of learning. I just don’t want to see their hurt. Why can’t I see in the future so that I know it all works out for the best.
It has been a long time since I have posted about life. My daughter whom inspired this blog and her love life that were the subject of my first few blogs are starting their second year of college in less than a month. Her current love life includes a boy she has been dating for almost six months. There has been some frogs, rebounds, and less than appealing guys, but this new boy seems to treat her well. Being post 1 1/2 years from the high school first love has helped me step back. I just want to point out he is now one of her best friends again. They are probably six hours apart but they talk a lot. They talk about who they are dating, want to date, school, life, etc. Their friendship was important enough to both of them to try. Part of my frustration as a parent was seeing her lose a best friend that happened to be a boyfriend as well. Many people said they wouldn't be friends. She told me it took her a year and a couple of rebound boyfriends to really get over him. They have agreed that they are better off as friends. But this leads to a bigger topic college boys.
My daughter has had some experiences that could have been far more dangerous because she had a naive view of boys. She had recently told me she no longer feels that most guys mean it when they say they are your friend.
My advice to parents: have your daughters take a self defense class. These classes teach more that defending yourself but also how to avoid the situations that require you to physically defend themselves. Nothing serious has happened because my girl has a few great guy friends and a boyfriend whom point out those untrustworthy guys and she is smart and strong.
Pepper spray and whistles are great but they might not be close at hand if you go somewhere that doesn't require they stay in hand.
Also talk your daughters about alcohol. Don't just talk about beer but also drinks that look like soda or fruit juice. If you haven't had vodka or run you may not know that you are drinking alcohol. They also need to be aware of a guy drinking those when they are "hanging out". Alcohol blurs your mind but how often do we really talk about that with our college bound kids. We need to change the conversation to how to be responsible in these new situations in order to avoid negative unsafe situations.
Most campuses do their best to protect your kids but do your research and open the lines of communication.
Okay so in previous posts I always seem to talk about my daughter. Guess what I have two teenagers. Having one moving into adulthood it is easy to not focus on the 13 year old as much. He is s quiet kid and tends to internalize his problems, concerns, and successes. He has a huge example to live up to because his sister was pretty great at whatever she did. He hates when we talk about his success or failures. I can’t yell his name during a basketball game or track meet. I am struggling with the fact he is a boy, reserved and easily embarrassed. He has had straight A’s in 6th and 7th grade, is the fastest 400 runner in his grade and has the best long jump for the school. I think he is pretty amazing but he still says I wish I was good at something. I struggle with being a teenage boys mom because he isn’t typical or maybe he is?
My daughter has been dating a boy who up until the last week has made her happy. He got her through an anxiety attack and brought her pepto when she was sick. So the last week has been different because he as she just found out suffers from depression. He has been doing well for the last two years but he was starting to suffer from symptoms of depression. He just told her last night and he told her it usually takes a month for him to get out of this slump. Of course I feel for him but because they are at college I haven’t met him. My priority is my daughter and this is a boyfriend so it is hard not to say cut bait. I want to trust that this isn’t just an excuse to spend less time with her. I have only suffered temporary depression, so I can’t truly relate or understand. I don’t know how much we should trust he isn’t going to break her heart. This relationship is about two or three months old.
She is choosing to stick this out but at what risk to her? Any advice in how to support and protect my daughter at the same time?
Update: she is still dating him but they are spending less time together. I am not sure what the future holds for them.
It is like a transparent glass when you are a mother and a daughter. I wanted freedom and space when I was a college student. In fact my life choices were guided by that need for freedom, but now the glass is showing me my own daughter wanting space and freedom. I am torn between understanding because I was once in her shoes and hurt because I thought I would be the mom she didn’t want space from.
Honestly it is much better than three months ago but it is just hard. Every time I drop her off at school I feel like I am losing her a little more. I want to find a way to keep the connection but I still have to be mom. Someday I hope we can be more friends than mother daughter but right now I still have to guide her and generally make her mad because she isn’t 100% an adult that has if all under control. She will figure it out but she has to learn like I did when I was her age.
Watching through the glass can be heartbreaking but it will be okay.
I will apologize advance because I am using voice text. A lot riding on this week waiting on decisions to be made and waiting on worries to be resolved or possibly get worse I’m scared and a little confused. None of these things or life or death just circumstances that will determine the next steps. I worry because I want them to turn out a certain way but I’m trying to have faith that God doesn’t always see things the way we see things. If you were one of my few followers I wouldn’t mind a prayer in my direction and my daughters direction and my family’s direction like I said circumstances will be determined this week nothing life or death just figuring out the right path to take.
I would first like to apologize for my lack of posts the last few months. Needless to say life has been busy. My daughter would tell you that college is a lot harder than she expected it to be but she her surviving. I have Poured myself into hobbies and enjoying my sons activities. The only way you survive life changes is to adapt. Sometimes you have to find a new hobby instead crying because someone.
I haven’t written anything for awhile because we moved my daughter to college, started back to school, and finished a college class.
The big one was moving my little girl to college. It is hard to be almost two hours apart. My heart elates and drops when she calls. Will she be happy? Will she have a problem that needs solved? Does she have great professors? Does she have a difficult teacher? No news is good news but it also makes you lonely. I miss her like crazy, but I don’t miss the struggles that an 18 year old has with her parents. Except for two irritating phone calls, she seems to actually want to talk to us when she calls. For the most part she is loving college. Life is okay but is expensive.
I started back to school and have been teaching for almost two weeks. I love working with my students but right now I want to call in sick. This is proving to be a difficult year. I don’t even have the energy to describe it right now but I will this weekend.
Finally I did finish a college class and earned an A. I need a few more hours to get a raise but I will get that done next summer.
Two days until we move our daughter to college. I want to cry, but I want to scream. If your children are always polite, kind, and considerate, you will probably want to skip this blog. I love my daughter, but I don’t like her too much right now. I am sorry if this offends you, but two days to move-in and it is one struggle after another. We have reached the point of “You make me want to leave” followed by “If I could move you today I would”. I know as moms we want the picture perfect relationship with our daughters. I hope to have an improved version of what we have now someday. She is a great kid: smart, determined, beautiful, kind, etc., but right now I would say she is evil.
I think I get frustrated because most moms make you think they get along wonderfully with their daughters. They flutter their doughy eyes and say oh my daughter never argues with me. She is wonderful all the time. I call “bull” to that. Last night I said to my lovely daughter, “I hope you have an opportunity to figure out a plan for that”. Her response was that of a 13 year old. Snarky, rude, irritated. Apparently I said it in a condescending way. I was not aware of that. I thought I said it with concern because I thought it could be a frustrating problem. Her words weren’t the issue, but the tone of voice. I can’t stand that snarky, annoyed voice any longer. “You think everything is my fault”. Honestly I just want her to not sound so pissed off whenever she opens her mouth. It isn’t just me, my husband and son are tired of it too. I know I was probably the same way to my mom. (Sorry mom). I know she will come back in a couple months a kinder version of herself. Right now she thinks that we don’t have a clue. Any advise is “being treated like a child”. I told her I was trying to treat her like she was 18, but she can’t ask to be treated like she has got it, but respond like a 13 year old. There is a lot of money being invested into her future. Our family will be making sacrifices so she can have opportunities. I want her to have them, but I just want to know that they are a little bit appreciated. I don’t need to hear thank you but to be treated with respect.
I will cry tears of sadness on Sunday, but I think I will be a little bit hopeful that the grouchy tone we have listened to for the last year will maybe evaporate just a little. I love her to my core, and I want her to soar into this next adventure.
I think the being fear of a mother is that their children will leave and they will lose them. They are the one part of your life where most of us completely open up. We try to do the same with a spouse, but most of us probably hold back just a little. With our children, we love them unconditionally from the moment we hold them or hear their heartbeat. You fear for them, cry for them, sacrifice for them and do anything for them, so they have the power to hurt us to our very core. The tone they take when you ask how practice was. This is part of our wiring to be there in good times and bad. I never wanted my children to stay babies, but I think we all miss just a little the time when we could fix anything with a hug or a snuggle.
I am kind of ranting because I am just like most moms out there who doesn’t want to openly say my kid makes me so angry. I want the world to believe we have the perfect relationship, but reality is different. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad because your kid makes you angry. Sometimes we have to say no, take things away, or just show them how much they hurt us. If you give them whatever they want in the form of no guidance, you are not being a parent. I hope someday to have a friendship with my adult daughter, but right now I am dealing with an 18 year old child. She will see that we are just trying to support her not hold her back, but she has to see that.
I feel better, but most importantly, I hope if you are a “bad mom” (yes making a movie reference) that you see that it is okay. Keep doing your best because it is hard and you will never be the perfect mom, just be the best mom you can be.
Do you ever have a question that you know will never be resolved? I do but it is time to let this one go. Those who have read my blogs probably think I am a bit obsessed with my daughter’s love life. My husband says I take the break-ups worse than her. I know it is true, but I will never admit it to him. I probably take it worse than most of the moms I know but I wear my heart of my sleeve. I feel shortchanged when I open my heart and home to a boy who could end up being a part of our family. When they break up with your daughter, they don’t think wow her family was nice to me. I have read other mom’s posts online that expressed a desire to reach out to the ex-boyfriend. I thought it was insane, but I get it now. My daughter has had three main boyfriends in high school, and one asked her to apologize to me because he had asked me to help him surprise her with a homecoming proposal right before he dumped her. The second one is still her friend and when I saw him, I told him that their 7 year friendship would always make him welcome in my home. (He was here on Friday night at my daughter’s request). This latest ex is different though. He actually sought out my advice during their relationship. He told me a couple weeks before he broke up with her that he really wanted to make it work in college. I knew it wouldn’t but I tried to be kind to him because that would only be determined by the two of them. So this is where my unanswered question comes in.
My daughter has always been able to get to the bottom of what happened to cause any past break-up’s, but this one makes no sense. To clarify she knew she needed to break-up with him, but she wasn’t planning to blame him. She was going to explain how their lives were not making it possible to have the kind of relationship he needed and it wasn’t fair to him. So when he went from I can’t live my life without you to, you don’t care as much as me so I am breaking up with you. Followed with why aren’t you upset when she said she understood because she did. He is so angry that he proceeds to follow her friends on instagram. I think because he sought out my advice, I feel like he used me to get to her. He used the poor me approach and I love her so much… to get me to be on his side. My biggest regret is that I didn’t listen to her hunch to dump him as soon as she saw the issues. She tried to make something work that was hurting her. So what is my question? I guess it is why put the blame on someone who was honest with you from the beginning? She was clear on her desire to not be serious after just getting out of a two year relationship. She wanted to have someone to have fun with the rest of high school and over the summer. 18 is the age to discover yourself and not be locked into a long term relationship.
Today I decided to accept that the answer to my question would never come, so I did the best thing I could. I made sure there were no means of his life popping up on any of my social feeds (I had been friends with his mom and sister on social media). There is no reason to know because life goes on. My mindset has changed. In high school you kind of want your kids to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, so they have a date for dances. In college, I want her to discover who she is and what she wants out of life. So the question I will focus on is how can I help her fly on wings like eagles to soar to new heights.
P.S. Thanks for enduring this struggle. Hopefully now that school is starting up again I can bring some new topics into my blogs. six days to college move-in. I am really going to miss her. An upcoming blog will be about moving a girl into a dorm room. I will tell you how it really goes and if I needed a whole box of tissues on the way home.